Nim Wits: Nature or Nurture?

People do stupid things. I guess I contribute to the problem by clicking the sensationalized headlines of the AOL homepage, so I'm partly to blame. But "Polar Bear Mauls Woman at Zoo" is irresistable.

My first question is: how would the woman have gotten close enough to the bear to be mauled? Well according to the article, she jumped fences and hedges before hurling herself down a concrete gully.

Why do this? Drunk? Deathwish? Dare? "I dare you to give that polar bear a noogie." Sounds fun, but intelligent people end the scheming after a "what if" play-by-play or transference into a motion picture screenplay. Not this woman.

Which leads to my next question: why bother to save someone so stupid?

Polar bears are one of the biggest carnivorous land mammals. I will have to cross check with my Planet Earth DVDs, but they may actually be the largest. There is a reason people don't keep large carnivores as pets, like tigers or orca whales. Oh wait, they do. Sigfried and Roy. Sea World trainers. Yeah, didn't turn out so well for them...and their animals were allegedly "domesticated." When was the last time you heard about a polar bear trainer? Uh, you didn't. Because he was eaten.

The Queen of the Ignorati was a large woman, too, probably equivalent to the amount of meat the bear gets all day. Plus we all know the "ultimate game" is hunting man. Polar bears would probably love anything from a seeing eye dog to a small child, but a full grown fat woman? Bobbing buoyantly in the water, an unnatural habitat, unable to get away, representing the species which captured them? It's like $4.99 Lobster in Mexico: too good to be true.

I saw a picture of her stupid face before the attack, wading in the water with a podunk smile on her face. The next shot is of the bear entering the water, her with the same expression. The third shot is the bear's head submerged and her screaming bloody murder. And how can you be surprised? It's no M. Night Shaymalan movie. There's no twist at the end. Bear + food = attack.

As upset as I am that they rescued her, the title of the article is more disturbing. "Polar bear mauls woman." What? That makes it sound like the woman was walking on a dark street at night while the polar bear waited to surprise her, then mugged and hit her. No. The lady was caught trespassing. And the tenant protected his privacy, thanks to the right to bear arms. Bear arms. Ha.


Here's the article. And a pretty cool video, especially if you've always wanted to go fishing for fatties.
http://news.aol.com/article/polar-bear-mauls-woman-at-zoo/423873?icid=mainmaindl1link2http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fpolar-bear-mauls-woman-at-zoo%2F423873

And Happy Easter.

The Wind in the Willows

As I was planning a trip to Disneyland today, I was thinking how awesome Mr. Toad is.

But think about it- Mr. Toad is this wealthy amphibian who spends his days driving recklessly. I don't think he's been drinking- could be, but I don't think so- but he flees the authorities, who just want to lock him up because of his Need for Speed. Tragic. But wonderful.

If there was a movie, Ricky Gervais would have to play the title character. J. Thaddeus Toad. There's no other option. Alan Rickman needs to be the Judge because Alan Rickman should always be the villain. Of course, Stephen Fry would be wonderful, too. Cyril Proudbottom - I think he's a weasel. With a monacle. Bill Nighy! Angus McBadger- all you have to do is say it and Scottish names spring forth like a John Belushi zit: Ewan McGregor? James McAvoy? Either would do well.

And then Mole. How sad is that? Everyone else has cool names - Thaddeus, Angus, Cyril- and then Mole. He's like the forgotten child. He's like the leftover sandwich crusts. He's like Danny DeVito in Twins. Hey Danny DeVito would be a great Mole. Done deal. Let's do lunch.

My Goodness, my Guinness!!!

St. Patrick's Day.

The day of the year where descendents of the British Isles (that'd be the UK, Ireland, Australia, the US and...uh...I guess South Africa and Canada) celebrate their Irish heritage however miniscule.

• I am 1/8 Irish, which is awesome and legit.
• I really love U2, Riverdance and Liam Neeson.
• I plan on eating corned beef & cabbage for dinner and possibly watching Michael Collins. Shame, most Irish movies are historical and justifiably depressing, but there's always Darby O'Gill. In fact most movies with Liam Neeson's (Northern) Irish accent would suffice. BTW Taken was awesome.
• I do not plan on consuming Guinness because here in the US it tastes like spoilt bird droppings.

Unfortunately, I never celebrated the Catholic saint's part-ahy in Ireland, but twice in London and it was a blast. If you could stomach the calories of 3+ Guinness (Guinni?), you got this amazing hat in the shape of a stout, complete with foamy top. Depending on the establishment, it may have listed the name of the bar. People started drinking at 9am and lasted into the wee hours.

Here in Amare-eeca, Folks gleefully belt out ditties like "Danny Boy," not realizing they're singing about death. Anyone whose not a fool or sexual pervert is in green to avoid getting pinched. Peeve? Irish people who get pinched for not wearing green then think they can pinch you back 4x...just because they are cynical and grumpy. That just sounds so Welsh. (Which I'm also 1/8...so I wear red or dragons on St. David's Day). Some people even see leprechauns:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

So best wishes for the day o' the Irish. Have fun, be safe and don't drive...too fast.

A Person of Polarity

I can answer one question you probably can't. Why am I here?

@: To blog!

That's right, kids. I've given in. And for now, as I become closely acquainted with a world sinking into economic and moral depravity, I find the answer to the existential question that has preoccupied some of the most intelligent, left-brained minds of the world. So at this moment...at this second in time...why am I here? Literally? To write about...nothing. Problem solved.

I enjoy discovering both sides to every story. I will find myself arguing things I actually agree with. I see the humor inherent in everything, like yourselves. Like myself. If my life was a movie, it would be an epic that could surpass genres: comedy, in my inability to eat an entire meal without getting it on myself; action, when I have to hurriedly put my shoes back on, grab my bag of 3 oz liquids, and compile my belongings from various bins after airport security so I don't hold up Trevor, the Uptight Traveller, behind me; horror, like the time the furnace came on after a long hot summer and it smelled a bit like fire; romance, like how not to screw up relationships; and finally, musical, when I drink too much and listen to "Oh, Sherrie" on repeat. Perhaps after a sequel or two, I will even progress to the leading lady, the quirky character who endured while the original actresses left over contract disputes or a court-ordered vacation to rehab.

So here I am, sharing my adoration for absurd analysis and all things alliterative.